Tim Tebow’s Top 10 Job Opportunities
Without any ado, here are the top ten job opportunities for the recently displaced
1. Starting QB for Jacksonville Jaguars
This just makes too much sense. Not as much sense as it would have made for Jacksonville to just draft Tebow in the first place, but it’s the next best thing. The Jaguars have, statistically, one of the worst incumbent quarterbacks in the league in Blaine Gabbert, so there’s that, for starters.
As if that weren’t enough of a reason in itself (and it probably is), the epicenter of the fanboy shitstorm that surrounds Tim Tebow is already located in Northern Florida since Tebow attended college in the area, where he earned his degree in Divine Powers and led the school back-to-back national titles as their QB.
It would make perfect sense for the fanless Jags to capitalize on the rampant, inescapable Tebow love that already lingers like a bad fart in the Jacksonville area, and as an added bonus, maybe Tebow-mania might sort of contain itself to Northern Florida permanently and stop spreading if he were to go back there.
Throw in the fact that the Jags want to bolt for Los Angeles but can’t quite yet due to a very restrictive stadium lease keeping them in Jacksonville, and acquiring Timmy as a ticket-selling stopgap until they relocate seems like the only logical move for them. This is a no-brainer.
As little luck as the Jaguars have had with filling the seats, Christianity has been struggling even worse in the popularity department as of late. Well, what better way to boost your popularity than to shamelessly drag The Most Popular Man in Football out of football and make him a fucking priest? The man puts asses in the pews! He sells tickets (to the pancake breakfasts and boiled ham dinners)! He’s provocative – he gets the patrons going! Plus, we all know the Catholic church has more money hoarded away than every NFL team combined, so they could easily make it worth Timmy’s while, and God knows they wouldn’t hesitate to splurge. Don’t be surprised if this happens. No, seriously.
3. Male Prostitute
I mean… come on. Just imagine Timmy Tebow out on the street corner in a cowboy hat and some assless chaps, leaning up against a streetpole and puffing a Marlboro Red with a coy, shit-eating grin on his face. There’d be a line into the next state to fuck him. Hell, I’d fuck him just so I could say I did.
4. Backup QB for Philadelphia Eagles
Granted, Timmy probably doesn’t want to go back to the clipboard, but being a backup for Michael Vick is sort of like being a half-starter – even if Vick doesn’t miss his normal six or so games due to injury, there’s always the considerable chance he winds up back in prison before the season’s out. So really, in Philadelphia, Tebow would be under less pressure and scrutiny while still likely able to enjoy ample playing time. Additionally, he and Vick play with similar helter-skelter styles, so Timmy would fit right into that offense and not much would need to be tweaked around him to maximize his success, something which is definitely not true for most teams. Not to mention, Andy Reid is just an offensive genius and would undoubtedly find a way to make Timmy effective no matter what.
5. Game Show Host
Show me a person who says they wouldn’t watch a 70s-style throwback game show with Tim Tebow hosting, and I’ll show you a goddamn liar.
6. Backup RB/Backup QB/Decoy for New England Patriots
Mainly because I would never put anything past Belichick. All bets are off when you’re dealing with The BB Gun – thing could fire off in any direction, shoot your eye out. It might just fire at Timmy Tebow, who the hell knows? I’m not gonna pretend to. I did hear a story that supposedly Josh McDaniels only drafted Tebow to prevent Belichick from getting him, which leads me to believe New England could be a real possibility, because Belichick tends to get his guys. Even if that story’s not true, we do know for a fact that McDaniels saw enough potential in Timmy Tebow to use a first rounder on him, and McDaniels is back here in New England now, so… yeah.
7. America’s Next Bad Boy
Ever since the Coreys got addicted to drugs and faded into obscurity (and died, I think – I don’t even fucking know), there’s been a serious lack of signature American bad boys to carry on their legacy. When I say “bad boy” I don’t mean like actual badasses – there has been no shortage of those – I mean more like dumb celebrities who mouth off to the press and who are viewed as tough/cool/badass by the masses, but are actually just big blowhards. Basically a male equivalent of Lindsay Lohan, that’s the best way I can think to describe what I’m talking about. Anyway, Timmy Tebow would make a great bad boy. Imagine how compelling and hilarious it would be if he just dumped religion in a ditch, shaved his head into a mohawk, and started mean-mugging cameras and making appearances in alt rock music videos. The more I think about it, the greater it seems — I’m literally praying for this to happen.
8. Backup QB for Denver Broncos
It doesn’t really seem plausible right now, and there would obviously need to be some band-aids placed on some feelings boo-boos, but this wouldn’t even be a bad situation. Who better for Tebow to learn behind than the maestro of management himself, Peyton Manning? Keeping Timmy would also allow John Elway to avoid becoming the bad guy to the mass droves of idiot Tebow fanboys in Denver, and now Elway wouldn’t be under any pressure to play the kid whatsoever. Plus, having Timmy around would be a pretty good insurance policy in case Peyton takes one stiff hit and his head pops off his neck like some kind of gross organic Rock-em-Sock-em robot.
9. Soldier/American Hero
The general consensus on Timmy seems to be that he’s extremely strong, fast, and smart, and possesses great leadership qualities and toughness, but has minimal football talent. Hmmmmm… now where could he put all those aforementioned attributes to good use in a place where his minimal football skills wouldn’t hinder him?… I can’t think of any organization in which great leaders who are strong, fast, and tough can maximize their abilities – you know, like… be all they can be, or whatever. I can’t believe I’m drawing a blank on this shit… oh wait, I got it: the Ice-Capades! Of course.
10. Starting QB for Oakland Raiders
If this needs to be explained to you, then you’re stupid. I don’t know what else to tell you.
Photo by Jeffrey Beall
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