The Euphemistic Masturbation 100
I am compiling a list of the 100 greatest sports cliches, euphemisms, and cookie-cutter catchphrase bullshit of all-time. Perhaps this can evolve into a petition to stop this behavior.
I was reading Bleacher Report last night for notes on Patriots draft prospects and I came across the line “carry the rock” in reference to running backs. I urged the author not to use “carry the rock” in his writing, and his response was what you’d expect from someone who uses the expression “carry the rock”: “I can use whatever expression I want.” Well said. This is true though, we can all use whatever expressions we want. We can all decide to not give a shit if our writing is unoriginal crap, however, if you don’t care, just give me the info and move on. If you’re going to just spit the info, I prefer straightforward delivery that isn’t cluttered with overused and meaningless cliches. Just let us get to the point. Granted, if it weren’t for all this bullshit then what else would I be writing about right now.
So, let’s compile the worst in sports cliches, catchphrases, and cookie-cutter crap. This little starter kit below is just to get us started; none of these are likely to end up in the Top 100, but they’re are example of what we’re looking for and have been sticking in my craw lately. I’m going to follow this up with the Official Euphemistic Masturbation 100 list, which will be comprised of post the best submissions via email, Twitter and the comments, with full credit given to the submitters (if desired).
The Starter Kit
Carry the rock: It’s a ball, not a rock. We know that running backs carry the football. We don’t need you to underscore this with a euphemism.
Here’s a guy: Listen to sports talk radio for a bit and count the times you hear “here’s a guy who” or “this is a guy that.” Maybe this has a place in sports talk. Maybe it helps make a point about a “guy”, but why not just say he did this or Joe Blob (yeah, Joe Blob – think about it) did this instead.
It is what it is: Meaningless noise. This is what you say when you don’t know what to say. I propose something along the lines of, “I haven’t fully formulated my thoughts on that issue.” This is not limited to sports talk.
It’s not about money, it’s about years: I heard this in reference to Albert Pujols’ contract negotiations with the Cardinals. So those years you’re talking about, they don’t involve money? Well then, just throw on a couple years with no pay and see if that solves the problem. Yes, he wants more years, but the real problem is that he wants $30 million for each of those years, so alas, it is about money. It’s always about money.
So, this is a start, but I know we can do better. Submit you’re most despised sports talk cliches in the comments, on Twitter @DrunknSportsmen, and via email to Drink@DrunkenSportsmen.com.
Photo by .astama. is .eugenia.
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