NBA Postseason Blank Rankings Rd. 2
The first round of the playoffs was chock full of enough thick, juicy storylines to fill up even the fattest NBA fan, bringing us such unforgettable shenanigans as Rajon Rondo’s attempt to beat up a ref for his milk money, the atomic explosion of the reigning MVP’s knee joint (along with countless other injuries to key players), and last but not least – but definitely dumbest – the infamous Amar’e “SmashGate” incident.
Not to be outdone, the second round has already served us up a few doozies, including Chris Bosh getting sidelined with an injury to the belly, and The Artest Currently Known As Peace refusing to shake James Harden’s beard hand. Plus, I guess there have been some actual basketball games played too, or whatever.
Anyway, you’re probably asking yourself “what does it all mean?” or some similar generic wonderment. Well, if you are, then shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you! Without further ado, I bring you the second postseason edition of the NBA Blank Rankings – feel free to fill in the Blank with whatever word you want. Or, just leave it Blank, as in “these rankings are completely blank of any bias and/or factual evidence.”
8 – Los Angeles Quakers (4-4)
Considering the way the last round ended for the boys in purp – with them barely outlasting a Denver squad that’s as inept as it is feisty – and the way their second-round date with OKC has started out, it was basically a no-brainer to plug the Lakers in to the dreaded “Bottom Bitch” position for this installment of the Blank Rankings. The only tough part was trying to discern whether or not Miami should be ranked lower than them, in light of the injury to Bosh Spice and their subsequent loss to the Pacers.
In the end, though, Andrew Bynum’s staunch determination to be the least likable person on the planet pushed the Lakers over the top in the race to the bottom of these ranks.
7 – Miami Heat (5-2)
The Bosh injury is really a punch in the gut for the Heat. …Get it? A punch in the gut – cause Bosh has an ab injury? Come on, anybody? …Wait, how did all these crickets get in here?
When I heard it confirmed after Game 1 that Bosh Spice had strained his abdominal muscle, the first thing I thought was “Wow, I didn’t know aliens had abdominal muscles just like we do.” The next thing I thought was “Wow, this could really wind up fucking the Heat in the poop chute.” And the last thing I thought was “PLEASE GOD STOP WITH THE INJURIES! ARE YOU SO VAIN?!” But back to the second thing I thought – Bosh going down has made it painfully clear (again) just how shallow the Heat roster really is. I mean, why the hell is it that they still don’t have a competent point guard or center? Can somebody explain that to me? Can you, Pat Riley? They went out and used their MLE money on Mike Miller and Shane Battier in successive years, which would be fine except for the fact that those are both wing players, and two guys named LeBron and Dwyane – have you heard of them? – already take up about 80% of Miami’s available minutes on the wing.
So, to sum up, their two best players and their two best bench players all play the same position. In other words, this roster was constructed by a union with mafia ties – it’s built to collapse, and you saw it start to go down in Miami’s 75-point losing effort in Game 2.
6 – Boston Celtics (5-3)
Some nights, Rajon Rondo looks like the best point guard in the world. Other nights, he looks like that guy you play pickup with who tries to make everything fancier than it needs to be and fucks everything up as a result. I unlovingly refer to these alternate court personas as “Ripe Rondo” and “Rotten Rondo.” In reality, his true game probably lies somewhere in between the two, but that’s irrelevant.
Where am I going with this, you ask? I really have no fucking idea. But what I do know is that the Celtics will only go as far as Rondo takes them, and so far this round we’ve seen him step up to the plate in the first game (Ripe Rondo) and go through the motions in the second (Rotten). If Ripe Rondo comes to play, there’s no way the Sixers can contend with Boston – hell, even if Rotten Rondo rears his ugly mug the Celts still have a good chance to win the series via defense – but just the fact that there’s a question as to which Rajon might show up on any given night can’t make the Celtics feel good moving forwards, even if they are able to dispatch Philly.
And in harmony with all that, the Game 2 loss at home still lingers like a swift kick to the sack.
5 – Los Angeles Clip Show (4-4)
The Clippers sort of wind up in the #5 slot by default, simply because they haven’t been as disappointing/shitty as the Lakers, Celtics, and Heat so far this round. That being said, I don’t want you to get me wrong – they were pretty damn disappointing/shitty in their Game 1 destruction at the hands of the Spurs.
All in all, though, not many people expect them to beat or even really compete with San Antonio, so they don’t necessarily lose too much face for getting blown out by them on the road. Just the fact that the Clips were able to best Memphis and reach this point at all is more of an accomplishment than anything done by Boston, Miami, or Kobe this postseason.
4 – Indiana Pacers (5-2)
This ranking has nothing to do with the way the Pacers have played against the Heat so far – which, even in the win, has been abysmal to put it politely – and everything to do with the ongoing absence of Bosh Spice. Still though, that’s not even bad considering that all of Miami’s phony-ass, bandwagon fans were getting out the brooms a few days ago. Take advantage, Indy – seize the Boshless day! And the night as well, for that matter.
3 – Philadelphia 69ers (5-3)
Philly’s Game 2 win in Boston was uglier than a lovechild of Joakim Noah and Sarah Jessica Parker would theoretically be, but a win is a win is a win, no matter what – even if the shit is uglier than Susan fucking Boyle. And although I believe the win had more to do with the Celtics playing bad than the Sixers playing good, there is something to be said for the fact that Philly’s road win – unlike Indiana’s – came against an opponent at relative full-strength. Not to mention, they almost pulled off an upset in Game 1 as well, falling short by a single point, whereas Indy was run out of the building (and then out of Miami, and all the way across Florida, and into south Georgia) in the fourth quarter of their opening tilt.
The Sixers are certainly riding high right now, but I still think Boston wins this series in the end, like they are supposed to. Either way though, it’s all knotted up at the moment, and that’s good enough to earn the #3 spot for the Sixers, considering that it’s the best thing to happen to the franchise since they made the Finals in 2001. Well, unless you count Todd MacCulloch’s retirement.
2 – San Antonio Spurns (5-0)
The Spurs have got every right to feel spurned at being labeled second best, seeing as all they’ve done so far these playoffs is win every goddamn game they’ve played in by the ridiculous average margin of 16 points. Just to give that some context, the Thunder and Heat are sporting an average winning margin of 11 points per game this postseason, and nobody else is even close to them.
So obviously, the Spurs have been far and away the best team in these playoffs from a statistical standpoint. But these rankings aren’t all about the stats, baby! They’re about guts. They’re about glory. They’re about booze and blunts and bitches in big bad whips, you copy? And no, my reasons may not always be “conventional,” or necessarily make any “sense,” but that doesn’t mean I’m not right. Right? Think about it.
Anyway, I’m putting the Spurs below the Thunder despite their vastly superior winning margin for two simple reasons: first off, San Antonio’s first-round competition was much less of a challenge – the Jazz were practically shitting their shorts with glee just to be in the playoffs – and second off, anybody with at least one eye and a hunk of brain matter can see that the Thunder are just better.
1 – Oklahoma City Bombers (5-0)
OKC has pretty much got it all: two legitimate superstars in their prime, stingy/tough interior defense, solid outside shooting, a deep and reliable bench, and a core of players committed to defense. They’ve even got a raucous fanbase that borders on being criminally insane, which is always a plus. The only thing they lack is a viable post threat, although when you think about it, Durant can score from down there if he wants, and Westbrook is enough of a bull to take whoever is guarding him down to the block and punish him… I take it back – they’ve got it all.
If this team doesn’t win the title, then they fucked up. That’s just the way she goes.