Luke Scott: .264 Hitter, 100% Douchebag

fenway park opening day 2012Luke Scott called Fenway Park a dump.

Scott declared Boston sports fans the worst in sports, and reminded us all how happy he was to keep the Sox out of the playoffs last September as a member of the 69-93, Baltimore Orioles.  Scott then marched into Fenway and destroyed Red Sox pitching for four straight games.  He stopped just short of smearing “Yankees Rule” in feces on the Green Monster.

Putting aside the fact that Luke Scott is a 33 year-old DH with a mediocre .264 career average, this guy, for one weekend anyway, looked like the ultimate sports villain for Boston.  His ridiculous facial hair pattern and tacky-flashy shades screamed, “look at me!”  And for one long weekend we had no choice.  This is the same guy that questioned President Obama’s birth certificate by the way — my point being that he is willing to say really stupid shit to get his name in the paper.

So, I got to thinking — who does this jerk off remind me of?  My first thought was that character from Major League that shook his ass when he came into the box — Jack Parkman.

“I’m the only winner on this team. The rest of ‘em, they’re losers. Either by choice, or by birth.”

-Jack Parkman, Major League II (1994)

Ok, so Parkman’s an asshole — that’s a good start. Turns out that Parkman was good at baseball though, so he won’t do as a Luke Scott doppelganger.

In the process of researching Jack Parkman I was reminded of Clu Haywood.  Who is Clu Haywood? Luke Scott is not Clu Haywood.  Clu Haywood was good at baseball in fiction and in reality.  In Major League, Haywood was a trash-talking slugger for the Yankees.  Watch the Triple Crown winner strikeout versus Charlie Sheen in this scene:

The actor that played Haywood was also better than Luke Scott.  Pete Vuckovich won the American League Cy Young award in 1982 with the Brewers. For you youngsters out there, yes, the Brewers used to be in the AL.  I don’t care if this excerpt from Wikipedia is true, I’m in on Vuckovich:

Vuckovich developed a reputation for bizarre, hyper-competitive behavior during his twelve season career. He would fidget, twitch, pace, and convulse while on the mound. He was known to cross his eyes and stick his tongue out at batters. He would spit in his glove, scream at umpires while in the stretch, and sometimes step to the back of the mound and dry heave. His colorful personality made him a fan favorite.

Ok, so Vuckovich/Haywood, very interesting, but not comparable to Luke Scott.

What we really need for a good Scott-a-like is a guy that has really never done anything of significance but manages to get noticed by saying stupid shit…

Rex Ryan? Maybe. Although he did take the Sanchez-ridden Jets to consecutive AFC Championship games. John Rocker would work if it weren’t for the racist, homophobic, and sexist angle to his psychosis.

I’ve probably devoted too much time to Luke Scott already, but it’d be nice to have another villain in the AL East besides the Yankees. Thankfully, the Red Sox took 3 of 4 from the Rays and will likely realize the next time they face Scott that the only sensible course of action is to throw at him. That’s how you win over the fans Bobby V.

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Photo by misconmike