2012 NFL Mock Draft: 1st Round
Just to clarify, this is who I think will be taken, not necessarily who I think should be taken, although in many cases it was actually both. Also, I’m not taking into account potential trades or anything zany like that. Now let’s mock:
1) Colts – Andrew Luck, QB
Pretty much a lock, and by “pretty much” I just mean “is.” The only suspense here will revolve around whatever Jim Irsay decides to tweet at the time of the pick, and the subsequent quest by the media to discover how much those 140 characters managed to damage the wacky owner’s relationship with his newest employee. All tweets aside, Luck really isn’t very lucky in terms of the situation he’ll be entering – I know I wouldn’t wanna try filling the goddamn clown shoes that Peyton Manning left behind. Good night and good luck, Luck.
2) Redskins – RG3, QB
Move the fuck over, Obama – there’s a new black sheriff in town. No seriously though, RG3 is gonna take this town by storm. The story is pretty much already writing itself: young, exciting quarterback comes in, learns under wise old jedi-master Shanahan, leads Redskins to a record that’s over .500 for once, proves Donovan McNabb was just an overweight, washed-up scrub, and suddenly it’s all sunshine, lollipops, and pain medication in Washington! All things considered, RG3 is walking into a much better scenario than Andrew Unluck – basically, as long as he’s better than last year’s Grossman-Beck QB monstrosity then he’ll be a hero in D.C., and how can he not be better than that? I mean, come on. It’d be a legitimate challenge to be worse.
3) Vikings – Morris Claiborne, CB
I don’t care what anybody says – under the new rules in the NFL the two most important positions are quarterback and cornerback. That’s just the way it is. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Left tackle and defensive end are close behind, but they can’t compete with cornerback in terms of overall impact on the game. By that logic – and considering the fact that Minnesota has a pretty shitty secondary anyway – the Vikings will probably be looking for a cornerback here, and sources close to me tell me that Claiborne is the best corner in this draft. These same sources have also told me that the Cincinnati Bengals are “the greatest franchise in sports history” and that Celtics captain Paul Pierce is “a jerkoff,” so take what they’re saying with an entire shaker of salt, but still… sources. Sources are what told me. I dare you not to believe me.
4) Browns – Justin Blackmon, WR
Quick, name one decent wide receiver besides Braylon Edwards who’s played for the Browns since their inception into the league in 1999! Hurry! Any names come to mind? No, Mohamed Massaquoi and his one random, anomalous good season don’t count! Let’s face it, unless you went and Googled it there’s no way you could think of one, and even if you did Google it you wouldn’t be able to find any, due to the small fact that none exist. Come on, Browns – throw Whoever-Your-Quarterback-Is-Gonna-Be a bone and get him at least one decent target. Oh and for the record, I wouldn’t draft sudden sensation Ryan Tannehill here. Not this high, anyway. Odds are at least one of the top-three QB prospects in this draft will be a bust – call me crazy, but my money is on the one who used to be a wide receiver like two years ago.
5) Buccaneers – Trent Richardson, RB
Newly minted Tampa Bay head coach Greg Schiano employed a ground-and-pound style of attack at Rutgers, and he’ll look to transfer that same style to his first NFL coaching gig – in other words, I’ll be completely shitshocked if he still has his job this time next year. Anybody with a television set and a brain can see that “ground-and-pound” is a dying breed, a gas-guzzling V8 Hummer in a world of agile hybrids. Still though, if you’re gonna run the fucking ground-and-pound you might as well run it with a powerful beast of a manchild halfback like Trent Richardson. Personally I think it’s stupid to take a running back this high no matter who he is, but I don’t see Schiano passing on Richardson if he’s still on the board. Am I calling Shiano stupid? Yes. Yes I am. Prove me wrong, Greg – prove me wrong!
6) Rams – Matt Kalil, OT
Lucky for the Rams, Richardson will be off the board before they’ve got a chance to waste their pick on him (just to clarify, I don’t think Richardson will be a bad running back by any means – I just think that when we look back on this draft down the road, we’ll deem Richardson to have been worth something more like the 20th pick as opposed to the fifth or sixth. It’s simply the nature of the running back position and how it fits into the game today). They need some help on the offensive line, considering that A) they gave up 55 sacks last year, and B) Sam Bradford is made out of a loose compound consisting of fiberglass and porcelain dust. They need all the protection they can get for their Fifty-Million Dollar Man, and Kalil is the best protection available in this crop of draftees.
7) Jaguars – Stephon Gilmore, CB
Sources close to me tell me that they have no idea what the fuck the Jaguars are going to do, and to stop asking them about it. I trust those sources 100%, which means that the Jaguars definitely may or may not pick a completely random player with this pick. I don’t know. The Jaguars have glaring needs at… well, almost every single position, so it’s tough to pinpoint exactly what they might be looking for. A lot of pundits and various draft gurus have been saying the Jaguars like this random corner, Gilmore, so I’ll go with the gurus on this one. It’s tough not to trust somebody who’s called “guru,” it really is.
8) Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill, QB
Ryan Tannehill is the Blaine Gabbert of 2012, and Blaine Gabbert is basically just the football equivalent of James Van Der Beek. If you don’t know who James Van Der Beek is, he was the dude who played Dawson on the hit teeny-bop show/phenomenon “Dawson’s Creek.” If you don’t know what “Dawson’s Creek” is, then seriously just go fuck yourself, I don’t know what to tell you. Anyway, Blaine Gabbert is the NFL equivalent of the actor who played Dawson, and Tannehill is the new Blaine Gabbert, so… you do the math. I think he’d drop even further than this if his former coach didn’t happen to be the new offensive coordinator of the Dolphins.
9) Panthers – Fletcher Cox, DT
It’s no secret that Carolina coach Ron Rivera has a thing for solid defenders the same way Rex Ryan has a thing for open-toed footwear, and Fletcher Cox is as rock solid as they come. And no, that is NOT what she said, whoever “she” is – don’t even fucking think it.
10) Bills – Mark Barron, S
They’re all set at pretty much every position on offense. They’ve got a solid linebacking corps and just signed Mario Williams to their front line on defense. Put two and two together, and the four you come up with is that Buffalo’s secondary is by far their weakest point – it sucks a fat donkey’s dick, to put it nicely. Plugging the best safety of the draft in to captain that secondary is what they would do if they were smart, but, as always with the draft, we’ll just have to see.
11) Chiefs – Luke Kuechly, LB
Like running backs, I think inside linebackers have become less prevalent under the game’s current pass-happy rules to the point where spending a high first-rounder on them is a rather dubious move. Regardless of that, Luke Kuechly is exactly the kind of smart, all-around defensive player that Kansas City GM Scott Pioli has soaking wet dreams about. Damn, I just grossed myself out a little writing that. Doesn’t make it any less true, though.
12) Seahawks – Melvin Ingram, DE/OLB
Seattle has nobody who can get after the opposing quarterback. Rumor has it that not even one Seahawks player has cashed in on any of the numerous bounties that the defensive staff had in place for roughing the passer last year. Melvin Ingram should be able to change all that, leading the SEC in bounty dollars earned from 2008-11.
13) Cardinals – Michael Floyd, WR
Supposedly, the Cardinals have been swept off their feet and fallen madly in love with Floyd, so who am I to say they won’t take him if he’s still around? I just don’t understand how teams can “fall in love” with wide receivers when they’ve got schmucks like Kevin “Kareer Journeyman” Kolb to distribute the ball to them. It’s like falling in love with a turbo-charge engine when you drive a Kia Optima.
14) Cowboys – David DeCastro, OG
The Cowboys are leading the charge for the rule change that would allow teams with starting quarterbacks whose name rhymes with “homo” to play an extra offensive lineman, but sadly the league has yet to budge on this issue. The next best thing for the Cowboys would be to actually have five good linemen on the roster, and drafting DeCastro gets them a step closer to that realizing that dream.
15) Eagles – Dontari Poe, DT
Somebody’s gotta bite on the potential. Don’t be surprised if Poe, this year’s annual Combine Darling, goes even higher than this. Or lower than this. Who the fuck knows? Either way, don’t be surprised – if you are, then you were assuming you knew too much to begin with.
16) Jets – Courtney Upshaw, DE/OLB
Old Rexxy will be giddy that Upshaw fell to him at sixteen. The only thing that could make him happier is if Sarah Palin came walking up out of the mist barefoot and gave him a hot, steamy blowjob – I mean, toejob.
17) Bengals – Quinton Coples, DE
We’re getting to that point in the draft where everybody just starts reaching for athletically blessed pass-rushers with potential to improve. Coples has been described as, and I quote, “Gifted. Sporadic.” Needless to say, he pretty much couldn’t be a more perfect example of what I’m talking about.
18) Chargers – Whitney Mercilus, DE/OLB
Continues the string of mid-first round athletic pass-rushers, as tradition dictates. It’s as though these GM’s see pass-rushers being taken with the picks in front of theirs and they start to panic, forgetting there are still SIX MORE ROUNDS in which to get players they might need to fill in the blanks on their rosters. I can’t really blame them, though – their strategy of jumping on a pass-rusher while the gettin’s still good is a lot better idea than the alternative, which is basically just pretending that a good pass-rush isn’t imperative to a good defense (a.k.a. The Belichick Diet).
19) Bears – Riley Reiff, OT
Remember that game where Jay Cutler got sacked (hard) nine times against the Giants… in the first half?! That may have been two seasons ago, sure, but I honestly wouldn’t blame the Bears if they spent their next ten first round picks on offensive linemen after that shit.
20) Titans – Shea McClellin, OLB
For the simple reason that he’s the best and most NFL-ready pass-rusher still on the board. Side note: for all this talk about “boards” at draft time, I’ve never actually had a board, or seen one used – I don’t know, it seems like a simple list would be more practical, anyway. But hey, that’s just me.
21) Bengals – Jonathan Martin, OT
Cincinnati needs help protecting sophomore sensation Andy Dalton – who is clearly the target of more vicious and numerous hits, due to his unflattering ginger complexion – and even though Jonathan Martin technically spent last season as a Stanford Cardinal, he was also on payroll for the Colts protecting Andrew Luck, so he’s already got a leg up on what it’s like to be a pro offensive lineman.
22) Browns – Michael Brockers, DE
Too much potential to keep passing up. Also, the Browns have a little more leeway to take some risk with the pick, considering it’s their second choice of the first round and they’ve got another pick coming up only fifteen spots later at number 37.
23) Lions – Kevin Zeitler, OG
Lions want to give Matt Stafford as much time as they can give him to shuffle back there and hurl the fucking ball as hard as he can without his arm flying off out to Megatron, and Zeitler can definitely help with that. Literally though, Stafford chucks the ball so hard that sometimes it seems like his arm is gonna just fly off from the shoulder – I always root for it to happen.
24) Steelers – Kendall Wright, WR
Now that Hines Ward has retired and Mike Wallace has been thoroughly pissed off to the point where he’s threatening to hold out, the Steelers are going to need a reliable receiver for those few downs per game when Big Ben stops interpretive dancing in the backfield and actually gets rid of the ball.
25) Broncos – Coby Fleener, TE
Denver has some decent toys for Peyton Manning at the wide receiver spot, but nothing for him to play with in terms of tight ends! “No fair! Brady’s got two great tight ends, how come I don’t have any!? I’m a whiny bitch!” They’ll grab a shiny, new Coby Fleener for him – the best tight end in the draft – that oughtta keep him happy for a while. Fleener has been described as a heady, white tight end with good hands and better instincts – basically Dallas Clark 2.0. He’d be perfect for Peyton.
26) Texans – Rueben Randle, WR
Houston is pretty much devoid of good receivers outside of Andre Johnson, and Andre Johnson is hurt more than a fifteen-year-old fat girl’s feelings. This makes sense.
27) Patriots – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB
Knowing Belichick, I’m sure New England will trade this pick for two third-rounders and access to a special VIP parking spot at every stadium in the league, and then all the media pundits will say “Wow! What a great draft for the Patriots!” Or they would, if they didn’t have Bill Belichick’s dick in their mouths blocking the words. If the Pats don’t trade the pick, though, they’ll probably do what everybody least expects them to do and spend another high pick on a defensive back, which they’ve done the last five years running. That’s just the way the BB Gun works – he lives to confound. It’s all he knows.
28) Packers – Doug Martin, RB
The Pack are seemingly stacked at every position except running back – that’s my main explanation behind this pick. Their offense has plenty of playmakers and a good line, their defense boasts a solid secondary and a formidable pass rush… what else do they really need? A quarterback, maybe? What’s that guy’s name that they got throwing the ball now – Roger something? I can’t remember…
29) Ravens – Dont’a Hightower, LB
A perfect protégé for Ray Lewis to groom as he stabs his way off into the sunset. There’s talk of the Ravens even trading up a few spots to get Hightower, but I don’t really see why they’d need to. Like I said before, the value of a good inside linebacker in pro football is diminishing heavily, shrinking up faster than George Costanza’s dick in the ocean.
30) Niners – Jerel Worthy, DT
Bolsters an already formidable San Francisco front seven, giving them a truly intimidating defensive line. The rest of the NFC West will have skid marks in their britches when they gotta go play the Niners. Besides, with Alex Smith at the helm there’s no point in decking out the offense – they are what they are. Might as well just hand the ball to Frank Gore and concentrate on sprucing up the D.
31) Patriots – Nick Perry, OLB
The Patriots NEED an edge rusher to disrupt the passer and get some sacks. This makes the most sense. That being said, it’ll never happen – they’ve “needed” a pass-rusher for the last five years now, but that hasn’t stopped Belichick for pointedly ignoring that position in the draft every April. Why should this year be any different? I’m almost positive the Patriots again will NOT draft an edge rusher, and that’s exactly why I’m predicting that they will – the BB Gun always fires off where you least expect it.
32) Giants – Mike Adams, OT
The biggest weakness the champion Giants seemed to have was on the offensive line, so this would seem to make some sense. I don’t even know, who cares? Fuck you, Giants – you won your precious little Super Bowl – I hope whoever you draft winds up being a monumental bust. I hope whoever it is basically just drops trou’ and lays a huge steaming deuce right on the Giants logo, both literally and figuratively. …No offense, Mike Adams (or whoever the Giants take), but I really hope you suck, man. With all my heart.
Photos by Shuttrking|KT.